Yoga Teaching for Idiots
So you got your 200-hour teaching certificate…Congratulations! Now go out there and make the big bucks!
But wait…you don’t know what the hell you’re doing, do you? You aren’t ready to tell a roomful of adults what to do with their sphincters, are you? They’re gonna see right through you, kid. But don’t worry, Beerasana’s got you covered.
The Beerasana Threefold Path™ of Intimidation, Shaming, and Self-Aggrandizement, for Teachers!
1.) The customer is never right. So never own up to a “mistake.” If a student says, “Hey, you forgot to do the left side!” give her the McKayla Scowl, and then say, “No, I did not.” Don’t forget, this is all about you. When a student gets lost in the flow, falls out, or swears/laughs loudly at you, it makes you look bad! I know, it’s not fair. So always deflect any of your failures back onto your class. Memorize some withering ripostes. Remember, YOU are rubber, and THEY are glue!
Preemptively strike when someone is flailing. To the obviously hungover guy: “No one here is surprised, Bob, to see you laying there in a puddle of whiskey sweat.” When people walk out in the middle of class, say, “So long, losers! We knew you couldn’t hang!” Shaming others has the positive effect of making your students feel better than other people, and also afraid to leave your class. Win-Win!
2.) Be sure to undermine your fellow teachers. Also talk shit about other studios. This will assuage the fears of your students,who may be suspecting that they’ve come to the wrong place. Say to your class, “Some teachers will tell you to perform this asana with your perineum engaged. They’re stupid! I know, because I studied with Swami B.S. Chlamydiananda at Ashramapalooza.” Be overheard discrediting other instructors. And when a student tells you he doesn’t like some other teacher’s class, don’t just say, “Tell me about it.” Say, “She really tries, though, to make the most out of what she’s got.” Never underestimate the power of damning with faint praise. If a student doesn’t like you, be sure to blog about how stupid that student is. Use names.
3.) Show off what you’ve got, even if it’s nothing. Your clients aren’t there to become one with their Higher Selves, or to learn to relax, or god forbid to achieve enlightenment. They are there to get skinny and to watch you do tricks. So be skinny and show off.
If your body isn’t perfect and you can’t do any tricks, then try to sell the mystique. Learn to speak exclusively in Sanskrit (just make it up, including hello and good-riddance), get an appropriate tattoo, and dress head to toe in Lulu (and I mean boob to belt: The Ta-Ta Tamer II with The Hydration Belt, and The Vinyasa Scarf atop The Enlightened Pullover). Ripped men, you will wear only loin cloths. This is no place for humility.
If you aren’t creative enough to add -asana to the ends of random syllables, or rich enough to look the part, or cut enough to make ladies swoon, or actually knowledgeable about anything, you still have one option left: talk a big game. Talk and talk and talk until something sticks. People are highly susceptible to suggestion while in altered states. So spike the punch and bullshit away.
YOU GOT THIS! We’d come to your class, but someone told us you suck. Good luck, though! Mean it.
Love to your ego,